By His Grace


Posted on: January 27, 2012

The Bible tells us to confess our sins to God and to another person.  I have done the first part and I want to be honest with myself and to those who read my post.  I had a relapse a couple days ago and I wanted to inform you that I will be not be submitting any new posts and I am contemplating shutting down my site on February 1st.  I know God has forgiven me as His Word says He does and it’s important that I get back up and start over.  I don’t believe in being a fraud and remain doing the blog “Allowing Christ To Change My Life” when I have clearly sinned and have done the things I have been encouraging others to not do.

I want to extend a big thank you for all my readers and the incredible support and love that I have experienced since starting my blog.  Perhaps I will start a different blog in the months to come, but at this point I will not make that decision.  I have alot to work on and blogging must take a back burner.  However, I WILL continue to read your blogs as it’s important that I stay connected to other Christians.  Thanks again to all of you and I wish everyone the best.

51 Responses to "Relapse"

Dear Michelle,
I hope you will keep on with your blog. Your honesty is a refreshment, and your humility makes you a great candidate for God’s grace and mercy.

You don’t have to write me back…I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you today and praying for you. I love you and care about you so much. You have been such a great blog friend and will always be. Please continue to read your blog friends blogs as I hope there may be something on a day you really need to hear from the Lord on one of our blogs. People care about you girl!! People care!

Thank you Tanya, and I want to write back. You know, I’ve become just like the person I can’t stand. It’s not just the addiction thing it’s my way of thinking and my attitude. I’m just really p—d off at myself. I’ll come out of it, because the Holy Spirit has really been working on me. But not just yet….you’re encouragement means more than you realize. Thanks for not forgetting about me. 🙂

Girl…I knew you were going to be “pissed” with yourself. You are down in that valley right now…I’ve been there. Remember my blog…If the devil invites you to a pity party…don’t go. You gotta read that blog again. It really tells you about what trip the enemy will take you on. We are so hard on ourselves because we don’t want to fail God…but He is so forgiving to us…but we are not as forgiving to ourselves. The good part about messing up in life is what I told our 6 kids….you can always start over again. The trick is to get over yourself.
You know I’m so tired of beating myself up for my failures. I’m sick of it in fact. Right now I’m just enjoying my life. At 59 years old I’ve been through so many things and learned some things along the way. I have inner peace. I try really heard not to sweat the small stuff and the big stuff. I’m starting to trust God like I’ve never trusted Him before. Me and God are…”chillin”. This Sunday I’m singing a solo in church…It is well with my soul. Right now I’m wearing a heart monitor for a week to try to catch some irrgularities. I’ve had some scares lately. But you know what….I have such peace. I’m cool with it. I know God has got my back!! I don’t know what you are going through because I never did what you did, but I have been hard on myself and I know that satan will play the whole thing back over and over and make you feel like…doo doo! stinks! can get better or bitter as they say….I think you need some time to process this. The the Holy Spirit will get you back up on that operating table and finish the surgery!! You’ll be as good as new and better in fact. So…..well um…I’ve run out of things to say. Well I do want to say this…girl…if you don’t lighten up this blog page…this black is killin’ my eyes LOL! Luv ya” girl!!!!!

LOL Oh my gosh I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing. You’re awesome Tanya. I like & respect a straight-shooter. Thank you and keep that heart pumping 🙂

I will be praying for you, Michelle! Please know that you are not a fraud in the least. I know what it is like to relapse into something that you vowed to avoid. Each time, God has assured me of his unfailing love. Sometimes it may seem like I am taking advantage of his grace by asking forgiveness so many times. But he does not view it that way at all! He loves you, and your blog family loves you too.
I will keep you in my prayers =)
– Aimee

thank you Aimee. sorry it took a few days to get back with you. i appreciate your encouragement!

Dear Michael you were never a fraud but my heart grieved for you because I knew you felt insecure and I wanted to help but I felt perhaps I was not the right person at that time because of our other problems but I have thought of you many times, I’m sorry I hurt you it was never my intention.

I was addicted to gambling for many years but for 3 years I stayed strong with G.A but like you I relapsed, I felt I had failed greatly and let everyone down including God, my husband told me he no longer loved me and so I decided there was no point and was going to kill myself, those I knew would be better off without me but God rescued me, that was 14 years ago and I have been free of my addiction ever since then and I will always be, I know what they tell you at the meetings, that you never are but God is a God of the impossible and I’m not the only one who knows this to be true.

Michael I feel you are lonely and I know very well that feeling, many care for you and it’s not just words and God Loves you greatly too but he has more then just forgiven you He has set you free. He told me to come and visit you in a very strange way and then I found this post and so I understood why, you are not alone God is with you every second and I know you may not think so but I care very much for you and want to be a friend again but will understand if you don’t.

Christian Love Anne

I know this will be moderated so it can be delete, and it’s also private between us and God.

Thank you Anne. I appreciate the encouragment.

First, let me thank you for being such a testimony of the grace and work of God in a world that truly needs it. I am sorry to hear you relapsed; however, you have acknowledged and confessed your sin and so it has been forgiven by God – as far as the East is from the West. God remembers it no more. You are not a fraud in any sense of the word. You are an honest young woman who is trying to glorify God with your life as well as with your blog. Who better to write a blog? It is an oasis of truth and reality in the midst of so many blogs and sites where the preachers and teachers of the Word always portray themselves in the most positive light. How refreshing it would be if they would be as open and honest as you have been. You are loved and truly appreciated by me. Please prayerfully reconsider shutting down your blog. God has used you and can still use you and if you think not, just remember Abraham, who doubted God and also was a deceiver, Jacob who was a deceiver, Moses who murdered a man and tried to get out of doing God’s will be giving a number of lame excuses, King David who committed adultery, and then what about Peter who denied our Lord? One of the many,. many things I love about God’s Word is that we see the good, the bad and the ugly in the lives of his chosen people and despite their sin, he still used and uses them to this very day. Know that I am and will be praying for YOU! God bless and keep you. Amazed by his grace, Harold

Thank you so much. You’re encouragement and support are much appreciated.

Dear One,

I came here from Mike Ayers blog because you hit the “like” button over there. I never expected someone so young to have such an incredibly difficult road to travel. You are in my prayers and I know how to pray for hard things because I am battling hard things and I know how difficult those hard things can be to put behind us. I am reading a hard book now called Dark Night of the Soul. It talks about the hard things in our lives and how God uses them to shape us, mold us and, for some, to make us into His image. I just read pp. 93-94 where it talks about how God can move some of us through difficulties fast and with great intensity, whereas others (who are very weak) may have to be kept for a long time and more gently tempted and given more breaks so they do not fall away completely. We all have our limits and He knows them. If you need Him, He’ll be there. He will not give us more than we can handle…He makes a way to escape. The goal is to find the way and use it. Sometimes we deliberately can’t find Him so that we are forced to learn to find our way. He’s trying to teach you. I’d personally like to see what you learn through this, but I won’t know if you shut down.

Tapping the keys may help you figure this out, no?

Thank you for the enouragment. It is greaty appreciated and needed. So far I’ve learned nothing except defeat. Sorry just depressed right now and not much up for writing. Thanks again. 🙂

That picture I drew yesterday,,you are not a fraud? it was for you. I wanted you to know. xo

I just really wanted to tell you, that my heart is crying out, that relapsing is a part of allowing Jesus to change your life. I’ve relapsed so many times I can’t even count anymore, and every time I feel like a fraud. I’ve shut my blog down because of it too, and I understand your strong feelings about doing it. But, it made my heart hurt, because you are not a fraud, and neither am I. We’re human, we sin. I have to remind myself all the time, that when I sin, or relapse, I haven’t surprised God. He is all knowing, so if you “deserved” to write this blog, with this title, a week ago, you still do now. Being perfect, is a lie. I think, it’s authentic for you to write about God, to write about Jesus, and still be human while doing so. I’ve struggled with this for a long time, and I just wish I could hang out with you and talk, but I can’t, all I have is this comment board. So, I’m using it to tell you, I’m praying for you. To tell you, You’re not condemned. Your allowed to teach about the Lord, because He doesn’t look at what we consume, He looks at our hearts, and you have a beautiful heart. I pray you don’t shut it down, out of shame. Can you pray the same thing for me? Because, I need it also. Thinking of you, and sending a hug xo…Angie

Thank you so much for your honesty. Are you saying you had a slip recently too? I will keep you in my prayers and yes I wish we could meet too. Thanks for responsding and for the much needed encouragement….Michele

My heart and prayers go out to you! I love what everyone has been saying. Pray about it before you make anymore decison about your blog. So many of us fall but to get back up when we do. You have tooking the first step and repenting. God Bless

Okay and thank you for your encouragement.

My heart ached when my husband told me of your last post ( I didn’t realize he had been reading them too!). He’s not moved by a lot of things, but made a point to say how he felt bad about your decision to stop your post. God brought you to my mind a couple times throughout the week after your Dark Cloud post. The last time was when I was singing What a Friend we have in Jesus, which happened to be at a funeral. It is my favorite as the words just relay what I had experienced of Him through my huge failures. You are a treasure; you are beautiful; chosen; worthy; loved; and lifted up. Although I understand your desire to just sit at the feet of Christ for a while, which is such a holy place, I am looking forward to eventually hearing all the new things God has taught you through this time. Love from your sister in Christ, Marilou

Hi Michele, I sent you a special message via email. God bless you always.

Bless you! You are brave Michele and I am proud of you! One thing I have learned through CR is to catch a glimpse of the love our Heavenly Father must have for us…when others have relapsed there is something that brings out love in us like no other. I love your courage , I love your honesty, I love your heart that want’s to do what is right, I love the fact you are going to focus on your sobriety, I also love the fact that I know God is at work here and the next time you use your GIFT to write it will be exactly what His Spirit lays upon your heart. How’s that for a run on sentence and a lot of love??!! Many of us here have a lot of love for you and I pray for your healing and for you finding a local accountability group. I can tell you the accountability I have with my CR brothers is one piece that has helped keep me from taking (another) first drink these past four and half years. I look forward to hearing from you, hopefully, and know without a doubt that God always shines His light in our darkest places. Your story is still developing as is ALL of ours. I pray you can hit your knees each day to ask God to keep you sober and that you will find supernatural healing and blessings. This is a disease we have and not anything to be ashamed of. In fact, this is your testimony that one day will be a blessing to many others. Our LORD has strength that we do not have and love for us we can not understand. Love and hope to you my sister. He will show you the way. Count on me praying for you!

Thank you Tom.

Michele, I continue to pray for you! The Spirit reminds me of you several times a day and my heart is hurting with you. I know the sun will rise again and one day at a time you will be refreshed and renewed. Praying the clouds lift and you will enjoy the warmth of God’s love and see His light. Praying you feel hope and promise. Blessings to you! You are not alone.

Thanks for reaching out Tom. Much appreciated.

Just reach back if you need a hand!! You know where to find me!

thank you and I will. I’m trying. 🙂

[…] “allowing Christ to Change my life” […]

…… how my heart just fell in my stomach reading this. If I could hug you in person I would but a virtual one is the best I can give. (( HUGS ))

Not only have you repented of your sins to God but you have shared them with us all. That takes guts. Yes God has forgiven you as you know already and I hope you know just as much that you have support and a network in the Body to help you. Speaking for myself, please contact me anytime by email and we can go from there. I am sincerely extending myself to you.

Before you make any decisions, PRAY diligently seeking God’s answer as to what you should do. We ALL fall. Please don’t allow this to hinder you. The enemy will use any open crevice to get you to close yourself off or feel bad and not feel as if you are not worthy enough to keep blogging based upon the title and what you strive to achieve in it. Look at the stories in the Bible. Great men and women fell but kept going. No it wasn’t easy but God used a negative into a positive. Your transparency and willingness to show your sins to your brethren isn’t common.

I know that I can write forever on this but what I am boiling this down to is that you are loved and not judged. My prayers and my heart is with you. I don’t want you to give up on yourself or this blog. Let God decide what’s best. Don’t allow your feelings or your understanding to override God’s. Through your fall and brokenness, it can be a platform to someone who is seeking the Lord and needing him. Whatever it may be, God can use it.

Much love to you my sister in Christ,


First of all I appreciate your honesty and you know my prayers are with you. Please email me in my sidebar because I want to support you anyway I can and if I have to pray with you daily I’m willing to do that.

I can give you scriptures and say all kinds of things…but right now I feel you need….love….just love and hugs. I do have one little thing to say and that is to forgive yourself and seek professional help which I’m sure you’re doing.

I love you anyway….but most of all…GOD LOVES YOU and is ready to help you. These next few days will be hard for you and the tears and heartbreak of disapointment will be there…remember Peter when He denied Jesus….Jesus forgave him and Peter forgave his self because he went on to serve the Lord.

I will surely be praying for you…I care about you!

Here are two good songs to minister to your heart.


Tanya Forgive me Calling my name

If I may, let me encourage you. Why do you judge your brother? Or why do you show contempt for your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ (Rom 14:10).

After David failed, as we all do, he wrote some of his most beautiful songs. I understand your desire or need to step back from writing for a time; but remember that David’s failures became some of our greatest reasons to rejoice in Jesus.

I will be praying for you and how God will use you for His glory!

Oh, Michele – You are in my thoughts and prayers!
God has forgiven you – once repentance is asked for – well its gone like a puff of smoke
The problem will be forgiving yourself – It takes extreme courage to admit to a relapse – keep praying and going to meetings
Jesus is covering you right now – We (blog writers) will continue to cover you in prayer
Trust in the Love of the Lord – Fear not because in speaking out and asking forgiveness you are starting on the right path
God Bless you

Thank you Susie.

Please play this song over and over
God Bless

God created us, and He knows us. We are not perfect people. He knows it. He loves us anyway. Is a recovery blog a better ministry because the writer never has a relapse, or is it better because it is honest.

Regardless of what you choose to do, I wish you the best in the future.

I just found your blog today so I don’t know your situation. What I do know is that we all struggle with the enemy and sometimes he wins. We are all weak in flesh but in Christ we have strength. I just read a book recently about storms in life that come and if we speak out loud for the devil to leave he must, and when we quote scripture to him…well his knees get weak. Don’t allow a failure in your life to become something Satan continues to beat you up about. Failure or not you are a child of God and are loved more than you can ever imagine. God is a God of love and forgiveness. When the enemy attacks me (especially in dreams as your last post talked about) I make sure I specifically pray for God to be my rescue at night. We are very vulnerable when we sleep, but if we ask God to surround us, he will. Your blog post struck my heart today. I am praying for you sister. Be strong in the Lord and remember that this isn’t our home. This is a link to a recent post I wrote… hope it encourages you. Be well and know you are loved.

My friend, just because you have had a relapse does not make you a fraud. It makes you human. Myself along with everyone else will respect your decision to shut your blog down, but please think about it. Your experiences, including your relapses can change someones life. God is using you. Sometimes you will fall and he is right there to pick you up. You and your blog has certainly made an inpact in my life and it will be sad to see you go. I pray that God will guide you to make the right choice. The inspiration that you are is bigger than what you realise.

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A little about name is Michele and I am a born-again Christian. I was saved as a teenager and graduated from a Christian high school. I am a mother of one son who is the world to me. Despite my upbringing, later in life I fell into a life of self destruction which led me down many dark paths. I am a recovering addict and alcoholic and I have a great passion for Christ and His amazing power to heal even the worst cases. I am living proof of the miracle of God's power to change your life and way of thinking. Nothing is impossible with God.


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