By His Grace

Giving It All To Him

Posted on: February 29, 2012

No more dark wordpress themes.  I looked at it and just shook my head.  What the heck, Michele, I said to myself.  Time to snap out of it.   But getting out of a depression is not as simple as just “snapping out of it”.  And those who suffer from it will understand, those that don’t experience it, just won’t get it but God bless’em for trying.

In this post, I’m going to be a little more blunt than usual because as a recovering addict, well there really is no fluffy talk or nicey-nice in that whole scene.  I have to get real with myself.  Or so they say “Be True To Yourself”.  I really, really hate being fake.  It’s something that eats away at me.  If I say one thing but do another.  How in the world can I be a help to anyone if I’m not being true to myself?  It doesn’t work that way and the Holy Spirit convicts my heart and I have an INCREDIBLE conscience!  I’m certainly no help to myself either and the inner addiction that lies in wait for me loves it when I put my “holier than thou hat” on but then in secret I commit the very sins I hate and tell others not to do.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me mentally.  In the back of my mind I was thinking of how in the past, when I’ve had an anxiety attack, and a really BIG one at that, that maybe I’m coming to the end of that dark tunnel and I’m just one step away from daylight.  So today, I see the daylight.  After all, me just working on my blog is a major accomplishment for this whacked-out chick!  As I was going through the panic, I cried out to God to take it away from me.  I cried for an hour for Him to take it away and I surrender it ALL to Him.  Not just the “real” drugs, but the over-the-counter crap I take to catch a buzz too.  That’s a little secret I’m revealing.  But is it really a secret?  Of course, not.  I cried to Him that I surrender it all to Him and to do with me what He wills.  Just take it away!

You know, yesterday, I had a phone call from one of satan’s workers (that’s what I call the dealers), and a couple weeks ago I told him to stop calling because I quit.  Well, he calls and tells me of something else he has that I really like.  My car is broke and I can’t use it and the only way to get it was for them to come to my house.  Well at first I said yes.  Then I thought, these people could come back and rob me because I live in a nice neighborhood in another town over and then I won’t feel safe in my home, the paranoia will kick in.  Ugh!!!!  I am straight-shooting here so I hope I am not upsetting anyone who reads this but that’s the life of an addict.  It sucks, believe me.  So I call them back and tell them no, not until I get my car fixed.  But see what I’m doing?????   I’m leaving that door open “just in case”!! This is part of the panic yesterday.  But screw it, I’m not doing it.

I was talking to myself out loud yesterday telling myself this, “Michele, what good will come from getting this other thing you like?  You tell yourself you only do little bits at a time, because you live alone and overdosing is a real possibility.  But then what?  You know you’ll get more and then a full blown addiction on this crap and you will have to go to a detox to get off of it.  After all you’ve done this before!!”  So what’s the point.  YOU DON’T NEED IT!!!!”

Welcome to my head for a second there.  And I don’t want to lose sight of why I started this blog in the first place.  When I first started writing it was an outlet for me.  A way to be close to Christ and a way to get away from the abuse that was happening in my house.  So I got rid of the abuse with a restraining order and after that things just started going downhill.  But I didn’t see it.  I looked at it as freedom and independence and being able to breathe without being yelled at every day.  Even though I made a commitment (so I thought) to not use, eventually, I did anyway once I lost my job.  I don’t even remember the whole week after I got fired.  All I know is I spent about a thousand dollars and my house was a wreck.

But even before that I was struggling with my blog.  I lost sight of why I started it.  Was I using my blog to help me or to help others?  Well, I started to feel the pressure of helping others and saying the right thing, to not make another Christian stumble if I make a mistake in my bible knowledge or personal views.  I put a lot of pressure on myself and slacked off on writing.  I felt like a hypocrite because I knew my thoughts were not where they should be and I wasn’t fighting that hard to change it.  After all, I wanted to feel that freedom of not being in an abusive relationship for 3 years.  This is how I became so close with my Creator.  My refuge, my peace was with the Lord and my time with Him.  It’s amazing I didn’t go off the deep end sooner than this, but He kept me strong and I was doing the right things no matter the storm surrounding me.

So I may use my blog a little selfishly and focus on myself for a little while.  If it helps anyone than I am blessed and happy about that.  I want to thank all of you who have stuck by me this past month (has it been longer?) I really don’t know.  I have a void in time.  But I don’t want to focus on figuring that out.  I’m moving forward starting today.  I’m going to get my butt in gear, get things fixed like my car, pay my rent today and then start looking for work.  I plan on going back to my church on Sunday and also trying a Celebrate Recovery meeting Friday night at another church.  So I’m calling myself out on this and trying to hold myself accountable to do what I say.  No more fakeness.  It’s real from here on out and letting the Lord lead me and I will follow whatever He wills.

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31 Responses to "Giving It All To Him"

Nicely done!

Thank you and many blessings to you!

Yeah very well written. Ya know I sure do appreciate ya and all that you do. Keep on keeping on. Never quit! God bless!

Thank you Harold! It was nice to hear from you. You do the same and I think it’s really great all you do with the book ministry you have. God bless!

My friend,

I am so proud of you for taking this step, i have tears in my eyes. The lord will lead you and be with you every step of the way. God Bless

P.S sorry there is so much more that I want to say about this post but at the moment i am so pressurised at work that i wll rather wait till i have a little more time and go through what i want to say in detail, will email you.

God Bless

Sooooo good to hear from you! I emailed you a couple days ago but it came back with a bad email addy. I happily await your email my friend. Thank you for commenting and as always your loving support! 🙂

I am so glad to hear that you are learning to trust God despite everything going on in your life and also that you are taking all the right steps to remove yourself from your addictions.

Good to hear from you my sister! Thank for so much for sticking with me through this difficult time. Yes, the days are looking brighter and little by little I feel a smile coming from the inside out. I still get a little anxious waking up every day (that may sound strange) but I went through a time when I HATED waking up to face another day. So even though my heart is racing abit when I open my eyes, I try and keep myself calm and say good morning to my Heavenly Father. Many blessings to you my sister. Have a blessed day!

I think as Christians we all tend to “pretend” we are ok when really we are all just seeking to fill the void we all have. I struggle daily with myself, I guess that is why we are suppose to “And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.” (Luke 9:23) It’s a daily struggle to live here. I appreciate your honesty, it is refreshing and helpful in my own walk. Honesty is so much more beautiful than being false, even if honesty hurts. Sending you love.

Much appreciated friend. Thank you and God bless!

Dear Michelle,

I love when you said

So I may use my blog a little selfishly and focus on myself for a little while. If it helps anyone than I am blessed and happy about that.

That is exactly what I am doing with my own issues over at my blog. My philosophy is the same as yours, “if it helps anyone that I am blessed and happy about that.” You go, Girl!

Welcome back and I think johnconstitution had really good advice for you above.
Dawn

Hooray for your breakthrough! Keep on fighting because you are much loved. You are so right about depression not being easy to get out of. Those who don’t understand that haven’t “walked in those shoes.” One Bible verse that means a lot to me is Exodus 23:30, “Little by little I [God] will drive them [inhabitants of Canaan] out from before you [Israelites], until you have increased and are numerous enough to take possession of the land.” (AMPLIFIED BIBLE) Just as He did for the people of Israel, God helps us gain victory in our lives little by little–one step/battle at a time. Although we stumble sometimes, Psalm 37:24 assures us that God will lift us up. Your blog shows me your heart and makes me feel close to you. May God bless you and help you as you face each day.
Tricia

I like that scripture from Exodus. Little by little. Overwhelming myself never is a pretty thing. Thank you for saying you feel close to me. It means alot. 🙂 God bless you my sister!

I’m so glad to hear you getting back on track, you have been on my mind lately. I know you can do it, because your not alone. God is with you, even when you think you fighting alone. God Bless You 🙂

Really? That is so nice to hear that someone I haven’t met personally has been thinking about me. There is so much strength in that so THANK YOU! You have alot of struggles yourself girlfriend although not self-inflicted like me. I hope you are well today and I really appreciate your comment and encouragement. Many blessings to you!
🙂

Yes maam I have! You welcome and yes I’m going through a lot right now, but I still make time to keep others in my prayers! You Stay strong and hold on to GOD WORD! God Bless You 🙂

Welcome back to the Light, dear Michelle
Keep it real and focus in the Word – No darkness can EVER live in the Word!
God Bless you on your new journey and I will continue praying for you
God has His Hand on your life and He has a Mighty Plan for you

Thank you my sister for responding to my post. Brought a smile to my face. 🙂 God bless you this day!

AWESOME!! Honesty does help others! That’s what I LOVE about recovery. For the first time in my life that is where I found honesty. Broken to a point of not caring what others thought. Tired of being a FAKE! In CR, one of the lines that has always stood out to me in a step study book was: “honesty is the BEGINNING of healing”…it has begun and God will help us if we let Him. So thankful you are writing again and praying blessings upon your next step!

Thanks Tom. Many blessings to you my friend. 🙂

Praise the Lord! This is wonderful news Michele and I am so glad to see you taking the next step in your recovery! It it truly an answer to prayer.

May I encourage you to take a further step though? You mention a dealer who has called you regarding “something you might like”. As long as this dealer can contact you, you are leaving the possibility that you might take him up on his offer, just in case you need a little something.

I’m speaking from personal experience here. I dealt with this most recently in my struggles against alcohol and nicotine. (It’s been a loooong time since I was into illegal substances) What I know is, as long as that bottle or extra pack of cigarettes is in the house, I am leaving the door to temptation wide open.

I encourage you to do whatever it takes to make sure that your “dealer” has no way of contacting you. Change your phone number, even move if that’s what it takes. In other words, close the door on that temptation finally, and once and for all.

It is not only important to remove yourself from that temptation, but by taking that step, you are saying to yourself and to the Lord, “I am not going back, no matter what!”

God bless you as you continue to move forward with your recovery Michele. As always, know that I am praying for you, and that you may email me any time, and for any reason.

In Christ’s Love,
John

Yah, you’re totally right John about changing the phone number. My cell is actually in my mothers name but she knows I relapsed and she won’t have a problem doing that although I may get a tongue-lashing. LOL But, hey, I probably need that too. 🙂 God bless!

sorry for all the mispellings

quite alright friend, haha.

Thank you for being so “unfake”! Don’t worry about why you write – I look at your blog as a way to peek in on your journey through, over and around depression and addiction.
Bless the hearts of people that think we can “snap out of” depression. We did not snap in nor can we snap out. I think they say that because they don’t have a clue of all the things that can make depression land itself in a person’s life.
As far as addiction is concerned…I developed the idea of making myself fail at the addiction. Sound weird? No, I had to become my addiction’s own worst enemy. I had to set my addiction up for failure and weakness. We have to be the road side bomber toward our own addictive devices. This takes planning. When the temtation comes and it does, I can take my cash to a friend to keep for the night. I have to admit to a friend that I am craving or wanting something and they are to ask me straight out if I bought or used the next time I see them (This has to be someone you don’t want to dissapoint.) I have had to ask someone to take my car keys from me for a night. Anything to kill what wants to distroy me. “The theif comes to kill, steall, and destroy; but I have come that they may have LIFE.” Jesus said that. Rich Mullins also sang this,”I’d rather fight You for something I don’t really want than to take what You give that I need…so, hold me Jesus. I’m shaking like a leaf. You have been my King of Glory. Won’t you be my Prince of Peace.”

Shaking like a leaf, that’s exactly how I was yesterday! It was horrible. Thank you Jesus for strengthening me to calm down because if it lasted any longer who knows…. Thanks for your input and the ways you run from temptation. I appreciate your support and encouragment. Many blessings to you! 🙂

Michelle, welcome back to Fight Club.
Matthew 5:11
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
I believe this is true if the persecutor is satan as well. We fight not flesh and blood but principalities and powers and darkness of this age. Drugs are a darkness of this age. We are in a fight for our lives. I struggle with things every day. I have to make decisions. I know how it feels to just give in so the temptation is over and you can get on with your life. I used to think there is always tomorrow but God told me today is the day of salvation. I will never allow you to be tempted beyond your ability to do the right thing. Sometimes that ability tests us strengthens us, like when your lungs burn from running a little faster, a little further. Every time we Fight we get stronger. It’s not a one round fight. So each round you have to keep your focus and keep your chin down, not your head down, just protect your chin. Writing you motivates me. I found helping, serving, ministering to others lifts me up. If you can help someone, anyone to help (can be anything not just your area of struggle) it will lift your spirit.
Just remember you are a princesses a child of the King. You are worthy of love, you have a birthright to live exceedingly abundantly in our Fathers house. Get up off the mat, your dads the ref and we don’t stop the fight until we win.
Love you sis, stay strong!
Perry@JesusEmbrace.org

What great encouragment Perry. Thank you so much and may God bless you today!!! 🙂

You go girl!! Kick satan in the butt! Stomp on his head and give him a black eye! Well Jesus really did that already…so you have the victory! It’s your for the taking.

So glad to have you back…I’ve missed you. I know things will be OK because nothing will separate you from His love! So write on girl… write on. The blogging will keep it real and keep you seeking the Lord as you strive to know more of Him and His ability to keep you. We all love you here and understand that you gotta do what you gotta do and we all have your prayer back!! Your blogging will remind us to keep praying so your doing the right thing.

As I read your blog…I got the feeling that you have brokern free of the enemys grip and you have broken free. So throw your hands up and shout…”praise the Lord”…Hold you head up and stand. Stand up tall. throw your shoulders back… and tell yourself…You got the victory today! Goodness and mercy are following you today and they will surely be there tomorrow. Know that!

I’m excited to see what God is going to do through you. He did it before and He’ll do it again…because He loves you so! You are His baby girl! HIs beautiful daughter.
Love always…your blog friend…Tanya

Thank you Tanya. I always love hearing from you. Yah, it feels pretty great today. My mini-breakdown yesterday turned out to be a break-through, you could say. I’ve even got a plan on what I want to do for work and it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time but I have a couple misdeamnors on my record and have been hesitant to try because I may have to disclose the charges. But I feel a peace about it and I think God is backing me on it. It’s in the nursing field. Many blessing your way sister! 🙂

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A little about me........my name is Michele and I am a born-again Christian. I was saved as a teenager and graduated from a Christian high school. I am a mother of one son who is the world to me. Despite my upbringing, later in life I fell into a life of self destruction which led me down many dark paths. I am a recovering addict and alcoholic and I have a great passion for Christ and His amazing power to heal even the worst cases. I am living proof of the miracle of God's power to change your life and way of thinking. Nothing is impossible with God.

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