By His Grace

Some raw honesty…just how I feel

Posted on: April 3, 2012

Sometimes I just want to title a post “life sucks”.  This may sound dismal, but honestly I have never been a big fan of “life”.  I felt like this as a child, way before the drugs and alcohol entered my life as a young adult.  I felt like this as a child, an adolescent, and a teenager.  When I discovered alcohol at the age of 17, I thought that was the answer.  My life became fun.  But many years later now, because of the alcohol and drug use, I have pretty much marked my future with hardship.  It’s my fault.  I take responsibility for my actions.  I admit it and have been forgiven by God but the consequences don’t stop.  I am having to beg for these crap jobs that pay minimum wage and I can’t even seem to get them!  I had such a bright future in the corporate business world, when I blew it with stupid drugs.  I hate them!!

Don’t get me wrong, I have MUCH to be thankful for and I thank my Heavenly Father every day for the blessings He has given me.  The way I feel lately, is that I’m really just staying alive for the sake of my son and my family.  But honestly, I just don’t like life.  Please don’t read too much into this.  I am NOT suicidal.  I just don’t like life, even now after changing my life, living clean and sober and having a relationship with God.  I just wonder what my purpose is here in this life.

I know God wants me to happy and I guess I am in my own way.  I’m happy I have a beautiful house to live in.  I was once homeless, living on the streets, couch hopping and never had a place of my own once the drugs took over my life.  I’ve come a long way!  But even before the stupid drugs, I made good money, had a great career, raised my son on my own, had a nice sports car, lots of friends, an awesome family…..and you know, I still have a wonderful family and a son who has not gotten into trouble, he is on the dean’s list at a good University school and hasn’t fallen down the path that I did, a good head on his shoulders.  See, I have MUCH to be thankful for!!!  Perhaps that IS what my purpose is.  To be here for my son.  And  you know after all I put him through, he has never once hated me or turned his back on me.  He still holds me on a pedestal and he doesn’t regret anything in his life.  He never complains about anything even if he’s struggling.  Maybe he doesn’t want to worry me.  He’s more grown up than I ever was.  He such a good kid.

So what am I complaining about?  I don’t know.  I guess I just feel sorry for myself.  Because things aren’t going my way.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Just not feeling that great today.  Thanks for listening my friends.

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43 Responses to "Some raw honesty…just how I feel"

I had a bad day a couple of days ago. I said things to God that were not right. Had he been human, I would have lost Him as a friend, or even been zapped. But, thankfully, He said in Hosea, “I am God, and not man.” The Lord knows our frame. He knows our weaknesses. He knows when we are speaking from the perspective of disappointment and pain. And when we say a little too much, He still forgives. I am glad God is God, and not man.

Same here! So glad. I hope your days are better. We are human, and sometimes we just have to get it out, hopefully in a constructive way and not a de-structive way. I usually chose the latter way, but do my best to keep my heart right every time I pray daily. God can turn our weaknesses into His glory by giving us strength and courage. If we learn the lesson, then its our job to help others who relate to our struggles. Many blessings to you friend, and thanks for commenting! 🙂

Hi Michele,if we were honest as you are,more often than not we’re in that same place and a whole lot more than we want to be LOL! Life is funny,we love the Lord,we really do but sometimes I’m like you life “sucks” big time. God already knows how we feel so there is no need in trying to hide it.I love your “honesty”! and I do believe that’s why God is using you here! Thanks for all of your visits!
Love you much 😀 😀

Thank you for your encouragement! Today is a day I really needed to hear it, God is perfect isn’t He? His timing, etc. Thank you and love you in Christ sister!

Thanks,our Father is so good and yes his timing is perfect.I hope you’re feeling better!

And Jesus said in this would you will have trouble and days that suck and we are both having one of them…. like you Michelle I have those days too, I have weaknesses and shortcommings and they get in the way and my body sometimes tells me it’s had enough and wants to find a new tenant… I think you shared a few of my Yuk days with me remember… Yuk! …right now I have a boil on my bot and it’s painful and awkeward trying to sit down and you can be very sure I’m not singing Oh what a beautiful morning or night, the only comfort I have right now is I’m off to bed and can lie on my tummy and remember those times when I soar with Jesus and He takes me to the very hights and my view is clear and my wings are strong and dear friend that is what I will pray for you because it is very real and wonderful and the dark valley times don’t seem to matter any more.

Love you in The Lord – Anne

Hmmmmm I spelt world wrong, seems the perfect ending for the day 😦

didn’t even notice 🙂 no worries. Have a blessed day!

Thank you Anne! Many blessings to you.

I think writing this blog is part of your purpose too. Sharing what you have been though or may be still going through is a huge encouragement to others. I have to say I admire you. Sometimes I myself also have days I just want to post life sucks but then God will show me he is still here right beside me by showing me something beautiful such as a flower or maybe a timely blog as yours. Thank you so much for sharing with others and God bless you 🙂

Your comment made me smile big!! Thank you I really appreciate your kindness, it is heartfelt. Nice meeting you and thanks for stopping by! God bless you and your family. Have a super blessed day!

Judging from all the other comments I guess all I can say is ‘Amen’. Somewhere we get the idea we need to be up/strong every day. When Dad died recently I was ‘strong’ for weeks. My wife was a little worried about ‘how well I was handling this’. One night, just a few days before he died, I was driving home. I pulled onto the shoulder and had a good long cry. Man, that felt good! 🙂 God Bless! ~ Mike

Thank you Mike! It can be scary to let out feelings out like that but it does feel really good once we’re done with a good cry. Like a bit weight is lifted. Many blessings to you. 🙂

I saw your comment today over at Dawn’s blog, and I just had to come over and meet you. I’m so glad I did, and so glad that I read this post first. First of all, I just want to give you a big hug! What you have come through and accomplished in your life is far beyond what most of us “goody-goody-two-shoes” would ever be able to do. Do you realize that? Do you even have an inkling of an idea of the strength you have been given to be where you are today????? Just the other day, I was invited to a celebration of my friend’s 5 year anniversary of her sobriety. I felt so humbled and so honored to be there. I don’t think I’ve given up anything for 5 years! Even dieting is always a failure.
I read all the encouraging comments left above me and they are so good. I was struck, though, by your statement that life isn’t that great for you. I can understand that. I made a lot of choices in life that marked my future — things I couldn’t change, and things that make today harder than they should have been. The weight of regrets can be more than we can carry, but there is a way to change that part. In Joel 2, God promises that he will restore all the years that the locusts have eaten. Can He really do that? Can He make good of all the losses and mistakes in our lives? He says He can and that He WILL!

Lay out all your regrets in that heavy load you are carrying. Make a list of them. Bring them specifically, one by one, and lay them at the feet of the Lord and make your case. Present to Him his promise of Joel 2, and ask Him to restore it and make it good. I promise you, in time, you will find that the burden will become light and you will find rest for your soul. The ministry of encouraging others HAS to be the best healing there is, and adds purpose and fulfillment as you have never known before. Just reading your posts tells me that you can lift a soul, direct their feet, and show them the light of your Savior.

Thank you for your honesty and openness here. It meant so much to me today!!!!

I am VERY touched by your comments. Thank you for acknowledging how hard being sober is. I’m not the greatest at it as I did relapse a few months ago after having like 2 years clean, but I’m never going to give up! It feels so good to be back with Christ and having light in my life again. God is so amazing how He can rescue us from such black darkness. It’s a horrible feeling…..the feeling of being seperated from God. I can only imagine what hell will be like for the lost and unbelievers because what I felt is nothing compared, and believe it’s awful.

Thank you for your advice and support. I’m coming out of a deep depression and I worry too much. But I have been feeling really good spiritually the past month. It is my hope that I can be an instrument that God works through to help others who face strongholds and the darkness that follows from making bad choices. I certainly hope I can lift someone soul and give them a sense of hope and let them know they are NOT hopeless! I lived hopeless for years and it’s a dreadful attitude to live with. I am so glad you were blessed by my post. It has been my pleasure meeting you and look foward to a new friendship. Many blessings to you dear sister!

Everyone has Life Sucks days. And I’ve dealt with some of the same consequences as you have. You get through them. Soon, they become relegated to the correct importance in your life. Hang in there…Things will right themselves soon…

Thank you Bird. I am blessed by your postings and I really appreciate the encouragment. God bless you!

Bless you, too, byhisgrace211…I like to think that in the big bucket of our eternal existence, these kinds of days will be totally engulfed with much better experiences in our heavenly life. We can take it, we’re too tough to care … 🙂

Thanks for checking out my blog. Sounds like God’s grace has abound in your life as well. Can’t wait to read more about you.

Blessings!

Same here! We have much in common. Many blessings to you too!

I myself am looking for that purpose in life. I honestly do not know how to find it and it depresses me. And the purpose you are seeking you probably cannot explain to anyone. You always feel it nagging at you and it gets you down and if your like me life itself gets you down alot to.

I don’t think your really feeling sorry for yourself as muchas you are wishing things were different maybe easier in some ways. And you get depressed about the world around you. You are blessd in a lot of ways but even being blessed with everything you could want doesn’t help you be any closer to feeling different from what you feel now. Purpose is something i think we all want to find in our lives but i have never found it yet. I feel your pain, though i don’t know you or your problems.

May God continue to bless you good lady.

Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. It does get frustrating when questioning our purpose, but you know what happened the other day? I was able to encourage and lift up a person’s spirit enough that they made an appointment to get therapy. That is such a big step for anyone!! I’ve been there, taking that first initial step to ask for help is sooooo hard!!!! I am so excited for them and can’t wait for the them to get to the place of healing that I was able to come to. I had prayed for this person to have the “willingness” to get help and admit there is a problem. It took 3 years of prayer. God is so amazing how He works and answers prayer. So maybe that was my purpose that day…..to help this person take that very difficult step. I look forward to reading your blog and I will get over there to see it as soon as I can. Many blessings to you!

If you read my blog i will warn you, i am a work in progress and leave much to be desired at the moment. I am trying to further my relationship with God but i have been coming up short of what i use to be more often anymore. 😦 Somethings i say and do i am ashamed of. My blog reflects how i was at the moment when i wrote the posts so i hope you find something if you read it. And i pray you don’t get offended by the way i can act at times.

God bless you to good lady.

I appreciate you being forthcoming about your struggles. Maybe we can be a help to each other by our writings. I certainly draw much strength from my fellow Christian friends through blogging. I also know I am nothing without Christ being first and foremost in my life. Just remember that God loves you more than you can imagine! His love is so vast that our minds aren’t able to truly grasp the magnitude of it. He loves you no matter what mistakes and bad choices we make. He is there with open arms so long as we come to Him and ask for help and forgiveness. Please don’t let shame and guilt control you. We can’t get well if we allow it. Christ died for us so we don’t have to carry the guilt and shame from our bad choices. The important thing is to recognize that we made a mistake and immediately ask for God’s forgiveness and turn away from it. Do it over and over. Even though we may be making bad choices, it still brings glory to God if we consistently draw near to Him. I look foward to getting to know you and your blog. God bless!

PRAISE BE TO GOD MICHELLE!

IT IS SUCH GREAT NEWS TO HEAR THAT THE LORD HAS GRANTED YOU EMPLOYMENT. PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME.

AS JOHN SAID ABOVE, GOD IS ABLE TO OPEN DOORS NO MAN CAN SHUT AND HE IS ABLE TO SHUT DOORS NO MAN CAN OPEN.

I LOVE ALL THE BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS THAT ARE ON YOUR SITE AND I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT YOU CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW! AMEN! TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!

GREATER WORKERS SHALL YOU DO MICHELLE! JESUS PROMISED IT! I TOUCH AND AGREE WITH YOU ON IT!! PRAISE GOD!

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND DO REMEMBER TO TELL THE LORD THANK YOU!

GOD BLESS AND I LOVE YA.
DEBRA

Of all the things that you want to go right, it is your family. It sounds like you have that in order. Now you can go about building your own life again. I like what Dr. Laura Schlesinger always said on the radio, “It doesn’t matter what you did in the past. I want to know what you are doing now. I am knowing you now.” Today is the first day, Michele.

Love you, Girl,
Dawn

Thank you Dawn! Love you too my sister. 🙂

Yes, it is a shame the number of doors that we manage to close for ourselves by our past ignorance (or arrogance), but I am convinced that no matter how many doors we have caused to be slammed in our own faces, God is able to open more.

Be patient, and don’t be afraid to take even a seemingly menial job. We never know when God is going to use that lowly position to open something else that will blow our socks right off.

God bless, and know that many friends are praying for you.

Thanks John, and you are right! I appreciate your encouragement. God did open another door for me today. I got hired at a place I worked before, yes it’s not the greatest pay, but I believe I will get the hours I need so I can pay my bills anyway. Thanks again and God Bless!

Get it out! Thanks for being honest…as I say over and over it is the beginning of healing and I know it is the beginning of joy as well. Michele, I am praying for you right now that in God’s purposes your will find joy. Keep writing as honesty helps so many others. Keep helping others like you love to do and I pray you find joy there. You are blessing others and I pray you will be blessed as well!

Thank you Tom. Being honest is important. I tend to keep things inside but blogging has a way of letting me get it out so it does help. I always appreciate your encouragement. And I have good news, I just got the job I needed! I was really upset the other day because one of the places that hired me turned around and said they never officially hired me and then hung up on me. That’s such a form of disrespect that gets my blood boiling but instead I just broke down cried all day. So your prayers and the prayers of others have helped and I start working tomorrow. Thank you so much! And many blessings to you too friend.

LORD God, we praise You and thank you for blessing Your child Michele with this new job. LORD You know where You want Michele where she will be Your light. You promise to care for us and may we rest in the knowledge and faith in that when we do not see it or feel it. You Father are our hope and our provider.

Michele, YAHOO…SOOOO happy for you. I agree with the disrespect and thankful God saved you from that one. If they will be that rude to strangers how much more are they to their employees. I will be praying for you tomorrow that you continue to stay in God’s pace. One day at a time we get better and better and we come to know God and His joy better and better. Man, so happy and pray You contine to trust and follow after Him.. Keep us posted…good and bad!! Blessings!!

Your honesty is to be envied. I think if we could all be truthful for just a moment, we would all title a post that on occasion (or often). Fortunately, we don’t have to trust in our emotions to find joy and contentment. As you are already aware they are found only in Christ. Unfortunately, happiness isn’t guaranteed. I’m reminded of the mother (a guest author most recently at my site) whose son is about to be deployed to Afghanistan. She also presents herself as human, and expresses the struggle, but in the end places all trust and hope in God’s promises. She trusts in the promises that transcend our human emotions, those from God Himself. Still, I’m with you friend. Sometimes (or often) we just need to be human. I believe God understands. But God provided! Let us find our rest in Him (Hebrews 3-4) Prayers for your strength and comfort… God bless.

I really like how you said “Sometimes (or often) we just need to be human. I believe God understands.” I always appreciate your wisdom and kind words. God bless!

It’s entirely natural to feel sorry for yourself, and to struggle with life. The important thing is that you recognise it, and that means you’re stronger than you think.

How nice to hear from you! Thank you my friend for your encouragment. Many blessings to you!

To all my friends, God made you with a unique purpose and destiny in mind. Everyone of you are awesome. Each of you have a unique characteristic of Gods personality that no one else has. Before time God knew you and thought of a destiny and purpose for you. You look at your life and ask why? God says ask Him to show you your Purpose. He planned it so that even Now you still have time to fullfill And Live in your Destiny. Without a Vision (or purpose) People will Parish. You are unique and God made you on purpose. You are incredible and a reflection of the Father. Purpose to know and accept Gods loving plan for your life. It is never too late. God says there is still time. You are not a loser or defeated or ugly or stupid. You haven’t failed big enough, or can you, to derail what God has on the Horizon for you.

Thank you for the encouraging words. 🙂 Many blessings to you!

you are not alone in your struggles. Hubby is having the worst time finding a job too! He goes to the local village inn every week to BEG for their open cooking job, because he just wants something. It is sad that when we are forgiven by our Father that the world doesn’t forgive us as well. I understand it, but it’s still not fair and I can really understand what you are going through. I am sorry you are having such a rough time today. We all do. Just remember we are not home yet, we are not suppose to be comfortable here…
Your son sounds amazing! What a blessing! You never know what you do or say that can change someone’s life, sometimes I don’t think we know the impact we have, I hope we get to know that in Heaven though. Hugs Sister!

Thank you. Your comment brought a smile. I forgot that your husband is going through the same thing. It’s almost ridiculous how hard it is to get employment. A receptionist job I applied for at a hair salon, had 54 applicants. I live in a small town! I don’t even know where these people are coming from because the average age in my town is 58. haha Thanks for reminding me this is not our home. God bless!

Yes I understand that too. We live in a small town as well. I travel an hour one way to get to my work. There is no way we could afford both of us commuting! I’ll be praying for a wonderful job for you. I know God has something up his sleeve for you.

Thank you so much!!! 🙂

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A little about me........my name is Michele and I am a born-again Christian. I was saved as a teenager and graduated from a Christian high school. I am a mother of one son who is the world to me. Despite my upbringing, later in life I fell into a life of self destruction which led me down many dark paths. I am a recovering addict and alcoholic and I have a great passion for Christ and His amazing power to heal even the worst cases. I am living proof of the miracle of God's power to change your life and way of thinking. Nothing is impossible with God.

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