Posted December 21, 2013on:
I haven’t even logged into WordPress is a long time. I feel like I’m distancing from this whole thing. From God. My Bible studies. My prayer. I hate life. I hate the struggle everyday. I’m so sick of working so hard and never seeing the benefits. I see non-Christians daily seeing $200 tips and $150 tips (I’m a waitress). They are not as nice as I am and they hate people. I’m tired of seeing all these unbelievers prospering.
I sound sooo ungrateful. No wonder God doesn’t bless me like that. He see that I’m not appreciative of what He’s given me so far. Yes, I’ve come a looooong way when it comes to my previous drug addiction. But now I’m in REAL life, and it sucks.
I’ve never been a big fan of life. I have felt this since I was a child. This heaviness of life has never lifted from me. Yes, it has a few small instances. Momentary happiness. Momentary joy. Momentary periods of good attitude and positive perspective.
I told someone today, I hope I don’t live more than 10 years from now. I really feel that. I’m not doing drugs. This is me sober for 14 months and still feel the same way I did when I was using.
My purpose is to stay alive for my son and family. Otherwise, I’m a waste.