By His Grace

I haven’t even logged into WordPress is a long time.  I feel like I’m distancing from this whole thing.  From God. My Bible studies. My prayer. I hate life. I hate the struggle everyday. I’m so sick of working so hard and never seeing the benefits. I see non-Christians daily seeing $200 tips and $150 tips (I’m a waitress).  They are not as nice as I am and they hate people.  I’m tired of seeing all these unbelievers prospering.

I sound sooo ungrateful.  No wonder God doesn’t bless me like that.  He see that I’m not appreciative of what He’s given me so far.  Yes, I’ve come a looooong way when it comes to my previous drug addiction.  But now I’m in REAL life, and it sucks.

I’ve never been a big fan of life.  I have felt this since I was a child.  This heaviness of life has never lifted from me.  Yes, it has a few small instances.  Momentary happiness.  Momentary joy.  Momentary periods of good attitude and positive perspective. 

I told someone today, I hope I don’t live more than 10 years from now.  I really feel that.  I’m not doing drugs.  This is me sober for 14 months and still feel the same way I did when I was using.

My purpose is to stay alive for my son and family.  Otherwise, I’m a waste.

18 Responses to ""

You must redirect your focus back to the Word of God. You are believing the lies of satan and you have to cast then down.
2 Corinthians 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
Please get your eyes off the unbelievers. Read Psalm 73.
You must reach out for help. You really need to get into a bible teaching church or christian bible support group. The enemy is trying to make you believe lies about you being a loser and unbelievers are winners.

You can not accept as truth, it is a lie! You must connect with other believes who can encourage and help you Michelle.

inbox me on m ysite with you number and i will call you. love you Debra

Thanks Debra. You are so right.

You are suffering from depression right now. See it for what it is. The enemy knows just how to attack you. It’s called spiritual warfare. I suggest doing a bible study on spiritual warfare. The only way you can win this battle is through the power of Jesus Christ.

I too have many of life’s struggles and stresses. The only way I win over these daily struggles is to keep my mind on Jesus and He gives me peace of mind. When I do what you described in your blog I can become depressed. Once you get down in that depressed pit….it is hard to climb out. That’s when God will send down a life rope and you grab it and hang on. These attacks on you is a battle in your mind….against your thoughts. Hang in there!!!!!

Heavenly Father, Please help Michele today. You know what she is going through. Please clear her mind of all negative thoughts. Fill her with your peace Lord. Thank you for the victory in advance! I ask these things in Jesus name…Amen.

Thank you sister, I appreciate it!

It makes me so sad to hear you say these things but thank you for having the courage to express your feelings. What I have been learning lately is this world is not about me and what I get out of it. It’s not about meeting my bills, making sure my kids do well, succeed in my job, that we get to go on vacation, live in a nice house or even being happy; although that makes life easier. It’s none of those things the world tells me I should be concerned about and so easily get wrapped up in. If I was only to be concerned for those things…this world would be so pointless and death would seem like a blessing. As a Christian however, my purpose is to wake up and see who God brings into my sphere that day and who I can bless with words or deeds. Incredibly dear one… God must think very highly of your influence to put you in a position that allows you access to countless people day in and out! I’m not being Pollyanna, it’s the truth. And, during this time of year, I would wager to guess many lonely sad people go out to eat in an effort to be in the mix of things. You have an incredible opportunity to bless those who have not found the hope that you have and you have the benefit to know what it means to be down trodden so you can easily empathize with them. God has given you not an easy or comfortable task, but a holy one.

PS…something else I am also learning, His blessings are not dependent on me. He gives them because He loves me, not because I’ve earned them or deserve them. AND I cannot compare His blessings in my life with how I perceive Him blessing another. We are not seeing things from His perspective.

I love you my blog friend and sister in Christ. I will be praying for you this wintery morning. – Marilou

Thank you Marilou, it means alot.

Hi Michele , dont give up because the Lord knows all our pains and sorrows and he will help you whatever you are going through , yes at times it will seem that there is no light at the end of the tunnel but if we just bring our prayers to the Lord and cry out for help he will hear us and lift us up and carry us , remember that the gift we have is far more precious than anything this life could offer the gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord and a place in Gods Kingdom , Tell the Lord that you are not happy and how you feel about work he will listen , sometimes we are were God wants us to be for a reason , I will pray for you Michele and family God bless .

P.S i am no longer on wordpress had to many probs with the site im on blogger now with a new blog hope you will come visit , God bless.

Thank you so much Shane. i will check out your new site.

I am here to offer a light, a way out, some encouragement, some hope and you are in my intention while sitting. Your healing is inside you.

Thank you Marty! I really appreciate it.

Sorry you have this sadness enter your consciousness.

May I make a few observations?

Life is like black jack. A previous hand has no impact on the next hand.

Your past or feeling life sucks is a judgment. Maybe life is hard, harsh at times, yes it is.

What I know. Comparing to others is not healthy or accurate. Your life is unwritten from this point. If you be live life is going to suck from now on then it will.

The practice is to let go of thought, bias and comparison and come back to now. Let go of judgment about money, waitressing and just be.

Your feeling about yourself and life come through to your customers I would guess. How much you get tipped is not who you are, it is just what you do for now.

You are perfect and have a child, life has opportunity and joy waiting for you.

Thank you for taking the time to share what you are feeling. Your willingness to be honest and open here on your blog is courageous and commendable.

I hope you are still attending meetings and working closely with your sponsor. I would also suggest getting to a few in-house detox mtgs. They are a great reminder of just how bad our life really was.

Something I used to hear a lot but don’t so much any more is… “It’s not all about you.”

Or as another person used to put it… “I may not be much, but I’m all I think about.”

As it says in the Big Book, our recovery is not dependent upon people – it is dependent upon our relationship with God.

Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances! –Alcoholic Anonymous, pg 100

14 months is a long time to go without picking up a drink or a drug, but you are still in early sobriety/recovery. We didn’t become an addict / alcoholic overnight, so it follows that it will take time to recover as well.

I once heard a person suggest giving our self as much time in recovery as we gave to using alcohol and drugs. For most of us, that was a number of years – a decade or more for many of us.

If this has been at all helpful and/or you would like to talk more, feel free to email me.

Thank you Karl. It means alot.

These words break my heart. You are not a waste. I almost didn’t comment, but I couldn’t let this go by. I’m not going to spout cliches about how much God loves you and so on. I don’t have any magic words that will change the way you feel. But know that I will pray for God’s Spirit to revive his love in you.

Thank you Jeff, I really appreciate it. God bless.

Almost always, when I read your blogs, I feel like we are the same person, feeling the same way. This is what a friend sent me the other day, and it help….. What is in God, He placed in you. Because He is great, You can be great. Because He is love, you will love others and yourself. Because He is all powerful, you can live without limit. Because He is unshakable, you can endure the most trying times and remain unshattered 🙂

Thank you so much my sister. God bless.

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A little about name is Michele and I am a born-again Christian. I was saved as a teenager and graduated from a Christian high school. I am a mother of one son who is the world to me. Despite my upbringing, later in life I fell into a life of self destruction which led me down many dark paths. I am a recovering addict and alcoholic and I have a great passion for Christ and His amazing power to heal even the worst cases. I am living proof of the miracle of God's power to change your life and way of thinking. Nothing is impossible with God.


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