By His Grace

Posts Tagged ‘Panic attack

No more dark wordpress themes.  I looked at it and just shook my head.  What the heck, Michele, I said to myself.  Time to snap out of it.   But getting out of a depression is not as simple as just “snapping out of it”.  And those who suffer from it will understand, those that don’t experience it, just won’t get it but God bless’em for trying.

In this post, I’m going to be a little more blunt than usual because as a recovering addict, well there really is no fluffy talk or nicey-nice in that whole scene.  I have to get real with myself.  Or so they say “Be True To Yourself”.  I really, really hate being fake.  It’s something that eats away at me.  If I say one thing but do another.  How in the world can I be a help to anyone if I’m not being true to myself?  It doesn’t work that way and the Holy Spirit convicts my heart and I have an INCREDIBLE conscience!  I’m certainly no help to myself either and the inner addiction that lies in wait for me loves it when I put my “holier than thou hat” on but then in secret I commit the very sins I hate and tell others not to do.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me mentally.  In the back of my mind I was thinking of how in the past, when I’ve had an anxiety attack, and a really BIG one at that, that maybe I’m coming to the end of that dark tunnel and I’m just one step away from daylight.  So today, I see the daylight.  After all, me just working on my blog is a major accomplishment for this whacked-out chick!  As I was going through the panic, I cried out to God to take it away from me.  I cried for an hour for Him to take it away and I surrender it ALL to Him.  Not just the “real” drugs, but the over-the-counter crap I take to catch a buzz too.  That’s a little secret I’m revealing.  But is it really a secret?  Of course, not.  I cried to Him that I surrender it all to Him and to do with me what He wills.  Just take it away!

You know, yesterday, I had a phone call from one of satan’s workers (that’s what I call the dealers), and a couple weeks ago I told him to stop calling because I quit.  Well, he calls and tells me of something else he has that I really like.  My car is broke and I can’t use it and the only way to get it was for them to come to my house.  Well at first I said yes.  Then I thought, these people could come back and rob me because I live in a nice neighborhood in another town over and then I won’t feel safe in my home, the paranoia will kick in.  Ugh!!!!  I am straight-shooting here so I hope I am not upsetting anyone who reads this but that’s the life of an addict.  It sucks, believe me.  So I call them back and tell them no, not until I get my car fixed.  But see what I’m doing?????   I’m leaving that door open “just in case”!! This is part of the panic yesterday.  But screw it, I’m not doing it.

I was talking to myself out loud yesterday telling myself this, “Michele, what good will come from getting this other thing you like?  You tell yourself you only do little bits at a time, because you live alone and overdosing is a real possibility.  But then what?  You know you’ll get more and then a full blown addiction on this crap and you will have to go to a detox to get off of it.  After all you’ve done this before!!”  So what’s the point.  YOU DON’T NEED IT!!!!”

Welcome to my head for a second there.  And I don’t want to lose sight of why I started this blog in the first place.  When I first started writing it was an outlet for me.  A way to be close to Christ and a way to get away from the abuse that was happening in my house.  So I got rid of the abuse with a restraining order and after that things just started going downhill.  But I didn’t see it.  I looked at it as freedom and independence and being able to breathe without being yelled at every day.  Even though I made a commitment (so I thought) to not use, eventually, I did anyway once I lost my job.  I don’t even remember the whole week after I got fired.  All I know is I spent about a thousand dollars and my house was a wreck.

But even before that I was struggling with my blog.  I lost sight of why I started it.  Was I using my blog to help me or to help others?  Well, I started to feel the pressure of helping others and saying the right thing, to not make another Christian stumble if I make a mistake in my bible knowledge or personal views.  I put a lot of pressure on myself and slacked off on writing.  I felt like a hypocrite because I knew my thoughts were not where they should be and I wasn’t fighting that hard to change it.  After all, I wanted to feel that freedom of not being in an abusive relationship for 3 years.  This is how I became so close with my Creator.  My refuge, my peace was with the Lord and my time with Him.  It’s amazing I didn’t go off the deep end sooner than this, but He kept me strong and I was doing the right things no matter the storm surrounding me.

So I may use my blog a little selfishly and focus on myself for a little while.  If it helps anyone than I am blessed and happy about that.  I want to thank all of you who have stuck by me this past month (has it been longer?) I really don’t know.  I have a void in time.  But I don’t want to focus on figuring that out.  I’m moving forward starting today.  I’m going to get my butt in gear, get things fixed like my car, pay my rent today and then start looking for work.  I plan on going back to my church on Sunday and also trying a Celebrate Recovery meeting Friday night at another church.  So I’m calling myself out on this and trying to hold myself accountable to do what I say.  No more fakeness.  It’s real from here on out and letting the Lord lead me and I will follow whatever He wills.


A little about me........my name is Michele and I am a born-again Christian. I was saved as a teenager and graduated from a Christian high school. I am a mother of one son who is the world to me. Despite my upbringing, later in life I fell into a life of self destruction which led me down many dark paths. I am a recovering addict and alcoholic and I have a great passion for Christ and His amazing power to heal even the worst cases. I am living proof of the miracle of God's power to change your life and way of thinking. Nothing is impossible with God.

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